So 3G reception here is about as reliable as a politician. Fucking shit house. It's doing my head in. I'll be arranging connection tomorrow but as it's a brand new place, it's going to probably take 2 weeks.
The move went smoothly, apart from aching bodies.
Miss O was picked up by my mum on Saturday, it's been very odd without her here, miss her like crazy, as does her sister. However it has made unpacking a shit load easier.
I'm 85% unpacked, and I'm so fucking in love with this house. So. Much. Room.
This is the most boring blog, but I'm sick of fighting the connection so this is as good as it gets for now bitches.
I leave you with this -
Massage shower head and continuous gas hot water. Awesome.
Monday 22 April 2013
Friday 19 April 2013
What. A. Day.
I am beyond fucking buggered. My head is screaming "go the fuck to bed", but I do so and suddenly it's all like "let's lay here and recite our times tables and determine how many hedgehogs can fit up an alligators ass".
So I'm blogging.
The electricity at the new place was due to be connected today. According to AGL there's new regulations that state that an energex electrician must inspect a property before reconnecting power, even if it has been only disconnected for a few days (as is the case here). They need access to both inside and outside the property. I haven't moved in yet, had some cleaning products and a few random kitchen stuff, but that's it. Arranged the key to be left for the electrician to gain entry. My appointment was between 8am-1pm, I thought the 3 hour time frames from Telstra were bad.
We got to the place at 12.30pm to find a slip from energex stating that the connection was not completed due to "personal items on site". *sigh* I call AGL, am informed to remove my items, I asked if putting them in the back yard was ok, confirmed yes, just can't be in the lockable building. Done, new appointment arranged for same day 1-6pm.
Go back at 5.30pm, another mother fucking slip from the mother fucking pedantic electrician. This time he has written the standard note, and a personal one, with underlines, just to make his point. I get back on the phone, explain again, confirmed there was nothing I own inside that building, "are there any other removable items?", there's spare tiles, paint tins and a touch up kit left in the garage, "oh that would be it, there can't be any items that can be removed from the house, it is regulation that they can't enter" ...... He didn't even touch the damn keys, he didn't go in the fucking house!
New appointment made for tomorrow, 8am-1pm.
Don't. Fucking. Piss. Me. Off.
Was in a car accident today. No one was hurt, apart from the cars. It was around 3pm, dickhead high school kids walking through the undercover carpark at the shops, they were walking between the lanes of traffic at an entrance/exit. They were reaching out and touching cars as they went by, basically playing chicken. The guy in the dirty great 4wd in front of us slammed his brakes on as one of the kids slapped the side of his car and bam, my mate T rear ended him. Fucking stupid moronic, irresponsible kids. They laughed and rain off into the shopping centre. The one good part was my always eloquent daughter muttering "oh shit" from the back seat after the impact. Sums it up kiddo.
After the fun of that, was when we returned to my new place and I left the note for Mr Power Trip energex dickhead. Also mowed, and measured to ensure furniture fits.
By the time I got home, I was ready for bed, but haven't packed a fucking thing.
I'm about to stack boxes in a corner, have a hot shower (I'd love to say long and hot, but 10 mins is about all I get, not going to miss that!!), then crawl into bed and think of hedgehogs.
So I'm blogging.
The electricity at the new place was due to be connected today. According to AGL there's new regulations that state that an energex electrician must inspect a property before reconnecting power, even if it has been only disconnected for a few days (as is the case here). They need access to both inside and outside the property. I haven't moved in yet, had some cleaning products and a few random kitchen stuff, but that's it. Arranged the key to be left for the electrician to gain entry. My appointment was between 8am-1pm, I thought the 3 hour time frames from Telstra were bad.
We got to the place at 12.30pm to find a slip from energex stating that the connection was not completed due to "personal items on site". *sigh* I call AGL, am informed to remove my items, I asked if putting them in the back yard was ok, confirmed yes, just can't be in the lockable building. Done, new appointment arranged for same day 1-6pm.
Go back at 5.30pm, another mother fucking slip from the mother fucking pedantic electrician. This time he has written the standard note, and a personal one, with underlines, just to make his point. I get back on the phone, explain again, confirmed there was nothing I own inside that building, "are there any other removable items?", there's spare tiles, paint tins and a touch up kit left in the garage, "oh that would be it, there can't be any items that can be removed from the house, it is regulation that they can't enter" ...... He didn't even touch the damn keys, he didn't go in the fucking house!
New appointment made for tomorrow, 8am-1pm.
It says:
"I was informed no items inside he lockable building, in the open yard is fine. I have since removed said items. PTO.
I have also removed the the carpet squares, a/c remotes, spare tiles & paint cans. I do not own them but they are 'removable'.I have however, left the removable bathroom & kitchen draws & and shelves, the knobs from the oven & stove, & the blinds and bathtub plug.I presume that is acceptable?"
Don't. Fucking. Piss. Me. Off.
Was in a car accident today. No one was hurt, apart from the cars. It was around 3pm, dickhead high school kids walking through the undercover carpark at the shops, they were walking between the lanes of traffic at an entrance/exit. They were reaching out and touching cars as they went by, basically playing chicken. The guy in the dirty great 4wd in front of us slammed his brakes on as one of the kids slapped the side of his car and bam, my mate T rear ended him. Fucking stupid moronic, irresponsible kids. They laughed and rain off into the shopping centre. The one good part was my always eloquent daughter muttering "oh shit" from the back seat after the impact. Sums it up kiddo.
After the fun of that, was when we returned to my new place and I left the note for Mr Power Trip energex dickhead. Also mowed, and measured to ensure furniture fits.
By the time I got home, I was ready for bed, but haven't packed a fucking thing.
I'm about to stack boxes in a corner, have a hot shower (I'd love to say long and hot, but 10 mins is about all I get, not going to miss that!!), then crawl into bed and think of hedgehogs.
Wednesday 17 April 2013
Woman meets home
*yawns* I is tired.
Got maybe 1.5hours broken sleep? Just.
Went to sign first lot of papers, packed, made calls to arrange gas and electricity, packed, went to the real estate office to sign the papers, got the 3 tonne set of keys and then went and inspected my new house.
At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I have one little factor of disappointment, actually make that two. The main bathroom and toilet don't have a window (both are on the common wall, it is a duplex, oh well), and the next door neighbour isn't hot. There is however, more houses being built in the street, which means builders on site every week day.
Mumma might be doin' some walking ;)
I'm not joking when I say a shit load of keys. 12 keys, mmhmm *nods*, twelve. Plus 2 clicker doodads and an inside button for the garage roller door, a remote for each aircon unit, there's a glass scraper for the stove, and a fucking cookbook that came with the oven.
While packing, I managed to knock over 1 of the only 2 photo frames I hadn't packed. They are too big to pack. It fell, glass smashed and I sliced my finger. Went to grab a clean face washer or the like, but I'd packed all the damn linen. It looked serious at first, turns out looks were deceiving with this one. Still hurt like all fuck, like a super paper cut ...... but with glass ....... *sigh* yes roll your eyes at me.
It may have been the lack of sleep or major sugar high, but I was finding myself highly amused by the littlest things. Pretty sure it was both actually, though I wish I could say it was thanks to wine.
3 sleeps until moving day. Electricity connected tomorrow, gas bottles for the hot water delivered on Friday, move in on Saturday. Wine on Sunday?
Got maybe 1.5hours broken sleep? Just.
Went to sign first lot of papers, packed, made calls to arrange gas and electricity, packed, went to the real estate office to sign the papers, got the 3 tonne set of keys and then went and inspected my new house.
It. Is. Lovely.
At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I have one little factor of disappointment, actually make that two. The main bathroom and toilet don't have a window (both are on the common wall, it is a duplex, oh well), and the next door neighbour isn't hot. There is however, more houses being built in the street, which means builders on site every week day.
Mumma might be doin' some walking ;)
I'm not joking when I say a shit load of keys. 12 keys, mmhmm *nods*, twelve. Plus 2 clicker doodads and an inside button for the garage roller door, a remote for each aircon unit, there's a glass scraper for the stove, and a fucking cookbook that came with the oven.
While packing, I managed to knock over 1 of the only 2 photo frames I hadn't packed. They are too big to pack. It fell, glass smashed and I sliced my finger. Went to grab a clean face washer or the like, but I'd packed all the damn linen. It looked serious at first, turns out looks were deceiving with this one. Still hurt like all fuck, like a super paper cut ...... but with glass ....... *sigh* yes roll your eyes at me.
It may have been the lack of sleep or major sugar high, but I was finding myself highly amused by the littlest things. Pretty sure it was both actually, though I wish I could say it was thanks to wine.
Present and unavoidable packing
Got myself a present the other week, figured there was no one else to buy me a Mother's Day present now. Yeah it's next month, but it was a great price and ending soon (eBay, of course).
I love jewellery, but there are only a few items I never take off. My new present will now be one of them. It's also solid Stirling silver, so I can actually wear it and not turn green and orange like an Oompa Loompa. (Omfg autocorrect automatically capitalised that!)
Now, it's 3am ..... I am as wide awake as fuck thanks to being zonked the majority of the day sleeping off that migraine. Either or both of the girls will be up about 7.30am.
I could go to bed, finally doze off as the sun rises then get woken an hour later and consequently be a giant fucking grump all day, barely getting anything done as I'll be such a bitch .... OR ... Stay up, use the time to pack without tiny humans under my feet or needing my attention, drink copious amount of coffee, get a 4 pack of energy drinks when I got out after dropping Miss G at daycare, be a go-go bunny all day then crash at a reasonable time after the kids are asleep.
I procrastinate too much ... Call me the queen of "I'll do it tomorrow" .... Tomorrow never comes bitch, do it now.
Yes, I think I'll put some music on (thank fuck my kids sleep through it) and get my packing on.
Tuesday 16 April 2013
FUCK YES MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!
Tomorrow I sign the lease and get keys for a BRAND FUCKING NEW HOUSE!!!!!
I am so excited! I woke with a migraine which sucked, then I got the phone call I was waiting for, was soooo happy, took drugs and fell asleep.
That's not the point though, the point is NEW HOUSE!
Goodbye feral neighbours.
Goodbye tiny hot water system
Goodbye noisy inconsiderate upstairs and behind neighbours
Goodbye tiny living area
Goodbye security screen that keeps falling off the track
Goodbye lack of natural light or airflow
Goodbye no bathtub
But it's also goodbye to the house in which Miss G has toilet trained, graduated to a big girl bed and became a big sister; the first house Miss O called home, spoke her first words, sat on her own and started crawling; the house in which I have loved and lost, grown and learnt; the house that was the beginning of one journey, and the end of another.
This new house though, it means a whole other journey. It is the first house that is mine, just my name on the lease and just me responsible for it. I can make it mine, make it a home for myself and my girls. The girls will have their own rooms, their own space and will make bed time much easier for me. I am making this house a sanctuary, a place for us to feel safe, happy and supported. It is a long term home for us, I don't plan on moving again in many years.
The longest I have stayed in one house is just over 18 months. So yes, this is a big deal to me, not just as a single mum striving to make the best for her kids, but also as a person and as the home body type that I am, being able to make a house a home, and know its going to be for more than 18 months, that is fucking awesome!!!!!
It is 4 sleeps until move day ...... Thankfully I have started packing already, that's a miracle in itself, I hate packing as much as folding! But it has to be done and doing it means moving.
None of this would be possible without a group of truly wonderful people that I am stupidly lucky and grateful to call friends. They have their own busy lives to contend with but are still helping me in every way they can, and giving up a weekend to help me move. I'm not usually a soppy kind of girl, but fuck me I love these friends and appreciate it no end.
Fuck yes I am excited!!!!!
I am so excited! I woke with a migraine which sucked, then I got the phone call I was waiting for, was soooo happy, took drugs and fell asleep.
That's not the point though, the point is NEW HOUSE!
Goodbye feral neighbours.
Goodbye tiny hot water system
Goodbye noisy inconsiderate upstairs and behind neighbours
Goodbye tiny living area
Goodbye security screen that keeps falling off the track
Goodbye lack of natural light or airflow
Goodbye no bathtub
But it's also goodbye to the house in which Miss G has toilet trained, graduated to a big girl bed and became a big sister; the first house Miss O called home, spoke her first words, sat on her own and started crawling; the house in which I have loved and lost, grown and learnt; the house that was the beginning of one journey, and the end of another.
This new house though, it means a whole other journey. It is the first house that is mine, just my name on the lease and just me responsible for it. I can make it mine, make it a home for myself and my girls. The girls will have their own rooms, their own space and will make bed time much easier for me. I am making this house a sanctuary, a place for us to feel safe, happy and supported. It is a long term home for us, I don't plan on moving again in many years.
The longest I have stayed in one house is just over 18 months. So yes, this is a big deal to me, not just as a single mum striving to make the best for her kids, but also as a person and as the home body type that I am, being able to make a house a home, and know its going to be for more than 18 months, that is fucking awesome!!!!!
It is 4 sleeps until move day ...... Thankfully I have started packing already, that's a miracle in itself, I hate packing as much as folding! But it has to be done and doing it means moving.
None of this would be possible without a group of truly wonderful people that I am stupidly lucky and grateful to call friends. They have their own busy lives to contend with but are still helping me in every way they can, and giving up a weekend to help me move. I'm not usually a soppy kind of girl, but fuck me I love these friends and appreciate it no end.
Fuck yes I am excited!!!!!
Monday 15 April 2013
Shitting myself
I get the big news tomorrow, I'm mother fucking terrified. And anxious, excited, hopeful, and shitting myself.
This will be something big for me and the girls. It's a step towards the happier, healthier and all round better life I hope to create for them. For some people it's not a big deal, it's just another step in life, not overly significant, for me, well, if the news tomorrow isn't good, I will sob, yell, scream and be overly fucked off.
I realise I'm being a pain the ass by not actually saying what IT is, but I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they become delicious fried parcels of fat.
Believe me when I say though, when I know, you'll know. You'll hear me shouting it from the fucking roof top.
I don't have much more to blog about, kids are on the mend, I'm exhausted and I forgot how much I love potato wedges.
So, I'll do some shout outs to some blogs of mum friends, some just started, others in full swing. Share the blog love bitches.
Oh and you could have told me that the text size I was using was so fucking small it hurt to read!!! Fixed it, if you care.
Saturday 13 April 2013
*grumbles*
To help curb the swearing habit of Miss G, I have given her a list of "little naughty" words for little girls.
When she says them, I give a little reaction and frown in "disapproval", it's about attention for her after all.
So far so good, haven't heard fuck, fucking or shit since. It's also kinda cute to hear "oh maaaan" when she drops something or the like.
I knew it would happen, I was somewhat prepared, but I'm still not fucking happy.
I'm sick ....... and miserable.
I don't do sick very well, clearly both girls got that from me. I reckon I'll get worse before I get better. Woe is me.
I opened notes on my phone to write this while settling Miss O, and found a note I wrote at some idiot hour of the morning days ago. I have no memory of writing it, sleep blogging?
I've mentioned before that my washing machine has a glass window on the lid. I wouldn't be surprised if this makes me odd, but I love just looking in there, seeing the big white beast doing its washing thing. I think to myself "god damn I'm real fucking glad that gone are the days of hand washing in a steel bucket or pain in the ass twin tubs" and then I look at my dryer and I say to it "you may be an electricity whore, but I'm mighty thankful I have you".
Warning - being a mum increases instances of talking to inanimate objects.
Heck
Hell
Bugger
Oh man
Damn
When she says them, I give a little reaction and frown in "disapproval", it's about attention for her after all.
So far so good, haven't heard fuck, fucking or shit since. It's also kinda cute to hear "oh maaaan" when she drops something or the like.
I knew it would happen, I was somewhat prepared, but I'm still not fucking happy.
I'm sick ....... and miserable.
I don't do sick very well, clearly both girls got that from me. I reckon I'll get worse before I get better. Woe is me.
I opened notes on my phone to write this while settling Miss O, and found a note I wrote at some idiot hour of the morning days ago. I have no memory of writing it, sleep blogging?
I've mentioned before that my washing machine has a glass window on the lid. I wouldn't be surprised if this makes me odd, but I love just looking in there, seeing the big white beast doing its washing thing. I think to myself "god damn I'm real fucking glad that gone are the days of hand washing in a steel bucket or pain in the ass twin tubs" and then I look at my dryer and I say to it "you may be an electricity whore, but I'm mighty thankful I have you".
Warning - being a mum increases instances of talking to inanimate objects.
I'm breeding.
I went hunting in my pantry looking for something I needed to make dinner.
Instead I found this ....
Blogger bitches, this was once a loaf of bread.
It's from the bakery up the road .... Doing the calculations in my head (don't often get this bread from there) it has to be between 5-6 weeks old.
When the bag tag popped off, I'm pretty certain I saw spores puff out of the bag. I could smell the penicillin people, actually I could taste the smell it was that strong.
Part of me contemplated how effectively it would kill these infections going around the house, but then I thought fuck, maybe not, poison and all.
To make me look even worse, a couple hours later when I went to run a bath for the girls, I found something else. No photos, I'm not that cruel.
To set the scene, when I bathe the girls I use the laundry tub (they usually shower), as with any laundry tub it is where wet/gross things get thrown ..... Stretch your mind back a week or so, when I first mentioned Miss O being sick .... Mmhmm, getting a picture now? She had coughed so hard she projectile vomited .... I grabbed a towel to clean it up.........Cringing yet?
I found said towel, under the potty, a tub of bath/shower toys, a bucket and a bath seat.
The bread had nothing on this towel.
There were shrubs of mould. SHRUBS!!!! Little fingers of crusty goodness reaching out to me, there were all colours of the rainbow, who would have thought mould could be so pretty?
It was stiff as fucking wood.
Goodbye purple towel.
I leave you with this ......
I up a smell each time I open the fridge ...... I'm not going hunting for colony #3.
Friday 12 April 2013
Yay ... Fuck .... Oops
Good afternoon my fabulous blogger bitches. Happy last day of the school holidays!!!!
I know I don't have kids in school, so it's basically a moot point for me ..... Except the feral kids from the feral neighbours in this feral neighbourhood DO go to school!!!! Wooohoooooooo peace and fucking quiet!!!
I am now so very lucky to have not one but BOTH kids sick as fuck. Coughing, spluttering, temperatures and you guessed it, snot.
So. Much. Stringy. Gross. Feral. Snot.
Miss G, for the most part, uses a tissue, but I have on far too many occasions watched her use her tongue. HER FUCKING TONGUE!!!! My child is just disgusting.
Miss O is oblivious to the stream of green coming out of her nose. She rubs her nose, spreading said green all over her face. She's ended up with mild conjunctivitis from rubbing it in her eyes. FYI, snot doubles as a face cream.
I do not kiss my children on the head when they are sick.
I got some fantastic fucking news on Thursday, I was so stupidly happy that, after crying, I did a happy dance to rival all happy dances. In fact I think my ass is still dancing, *wobble wobble woot woot* . I'm keeping quiet for the moment, waiting for absolute confirmation so stayed tuned!
"You are in the naughty spot because you used the fuck word" ....... Yeah need to cull the swearing around little ears.
Oops ......
Tuesday 9 April 2013
Well that got serious
Because I am awesome, I'm blogging while on my solo outing (technically I'm writing a note on my phone, but copy paste is a powerful tool). I'm doing this so I don't forget things and when it comes time to blog this at home I'm staring at the blank screen thing what the fuck?
Is it school holidays? I'm going out on a limb here and saying it is. Not sure what gave it away, could be the group of preteen boys that yelled "show us ya tits" as I walked through the park, could be the various ages of kids here at the train station with language I don't even use and that's fucking saying something!
I haven't even got to the shops yet ... Oh the short shorts, underwear (if I'm lucky) and duck faces I will see, and that's just the guys!
Regular skinny cappuccino with 2 sugars and shot of vanilla. Yes. Fucking. Please.
Ok it's been 20 mins, I've gone into 3 stores I usually avoid, seen 4 separate lots of ass cheeks and 2 ass cracks (one of which was male), enjoyed the fuck out of my coffee. I've barely spoken 6 words and none of them were "no you can't have it", "don't touch" or "get down" ....
I took a readers advice (hi Dani from Jonny & Delilah) and got me some new undies! Yes folks my bits will now be covered by pretty 100% cotton undies ... Ok they aren't that great but they are cute, not granny pants and I paid the same amount for 3 pairs as I usually do for a 10 pack so yes, I'll enjoy them and yes, they'll probably end up in the draw for "special occasions" that never actually happen.
I went out for 2 things - fill a script at the chemist and go to woolworths for bread, milk, bananas, yogurt and English muffins.
Completely lost track of time and missed the chemist.
Ended my day in Woolies and couldn't even go through the 12 items or less check out.
Got Miss G a pair of shoes .... Not a big deal really, except that her favourite colour is orange. Have you ever tried to find anything in orange that doesn't look horrid, or makes your child look like a fucking bowl of fruit? Exactly. Best part is they were on sale, $9 thank you very much, small price to pay for maintaining my awesome mother status.
I also got her 2 pairs of socks .. "Oh wow mum, some for my feet and my arms!! They match!!!" ... Ok kid, ok.
Ran into a friend, our youngest babies were born the same day and we shared time in special care together, chatted, bitched, etc, and I admired how much her little man has grown. I'd love to say that it made me miss my girls and I got all soppy .... But that would be a big fucking lie.
Can you believe I was out for 4 hours and didn't do the one thing I was looking forward to? I didn't pee alone! In the real women's loo! I was too interested in enjoying the quiet, I forgot to pee. Next time.... There will be a next time ... *rubs hands eagerly*.
You know what's funny? I really didn't do all that much different to any other time I visit the shops. Yes ok I went into stores without the stress of either child, or the pram, breaking shit I can't afford, and I got an entire chocolate thick shake to myself, but I was still shopping for them, I still thought of them when I saw stuff. The exciting part was that I could switch off, go at my own pace, I could go 10 mins without being asked to take Miss G to the toilet or work around Miss O's routine. As far as anyone out today knew, I was just a woman going about her business. I wasn't a bum changer, cook, cleaner, laundry washer, toy sorter, bottle maker, teacher, disciplinarian, nurse, or mentor .... I was Bree, doing her thang.
Don't get me wrong, being a mother is amazing, it is a true blessing, when people ask me what I do, I say I'm a mum, because that is first and foremost what I am, and I am thankful every day that these 2 tiny humans call me mum.
There's no escaping your role as a mother, but sometimes to physically escape the activities and day in day out mundane existence that comes hand in hand with being a mother, to just be a stranger alone in a crowd, responsible for no one but yourself, that is fucking lovely.
Is it school holidays? I'm going out on a limb here and saying it is. Not sure what gave it away, could be the group of preteen boys that yelled "show us ya tits" as I walked through the park, could be the various ages of kids here at the train station with language I don't even use and that's fucking saying something!
I haven't even got to the shops yet ... Oh the short shorts, underwear (if I'm lucky) and duck faces I will see, and that's just the guys!
Regular skinny cappuccino with 2 sugars and shot of vanilla. Yes. Fucking. Please.
Ok it's been 20 mins, I've gone into 3 stores I usually avoid, seen 4 separate lots of ass cheeks and 2 ass cracks (one of which was male), enjoyed the fuck out of my coffee. I've barely spoken 6 words and none of them were "no you can't have it", "don't touch" or "get down" ....
I took a readers advice (hi Dani from Jonny & Delilah) and got me some new undies! Yes folks my bits will now be covered by pretty 100% cotton undies ... Ok they aren't that great but they are cute, not granny pants and I paid the same amount for 3 pairs as I usually do for a 10 pack so yes, I'll enjoy them and yes, they'll probably end up in the draw for "special occasions" that never actually happen.
I went out for 2 things - fill a script at the chemist and go to woolworths for bread, milk, bananas, yogurt and English muffins.
Completely lost track of time and missed the chemist.
Ended my day in Woolies and couldn't even go through the 12 items or less check out.
Got Miss G a pair of shoes .... Not a big deal really, except that her favourite colour is orange. Have you ever tried to find anything in orange that doesn't look horrid, or makes your child look like a fucking bowl of fruit? Exactly. Best part is they were on sale, $9 thank you very much, small price to pay for maintaining my awesome mother status.
I also got her 2 pairs of socks .. "Oh wow mum, some for my feet and my arms!! They match!!!" ... Ok kid, ok.
Ran into a friend, our youngest babies were born the same day and we shared time in special care together, chatted, bitched, etc, and I admired how much her little man has grown. I'd love to say that it made me miss my girls and I got all soppy .... But that would be a big fucking lie.
Can you believe I was out for 4 hours and didn't do the one thing I was looking forward to? I didn't pee alone! In the real women's loo! I was too interested in enjoying the quiet, I forgot to pee. Next time.... There will be a next time ... *rubs hands eagerly*.
You know what's funny? I really didn't do all that much different to any other time I visit the shops. Yes ok I went into stores without the stress of either child, or the pram, breaking shit I can't afford, and I got an entire chocolate thick shake to myself, but I was still shopping for them, I still thought of them when I saw stuff. The exciting part was that I could switch off, go at my own pace, I could go 10 mins without being asked to take Miss G to the toilet or work around Miss O's routine. As far as anyone out today knew, I was just a woman going about her business. I wasn't a bum changer, cook, cleaner, laundry washer, toy sorter, bottle maker, teacher, disciplinarian, nurse, or mentor .... I was Bree, doing her thang.
Don't get me wrong, being a mother is amazing, it is a true blessing, when people ask me what I do, I say I'm a mum, because that is first and foremost what I am, and I am thankful every day that these 2 tiny humans call me mum.
There's no escaping your role as a mother, but sometimes to physically escape the activities and day in day out mundane existence that comes hand in hand with being a mother, to just be a stranger alone in a crowd, responsible for no one but yourself, that is fucking lovely.
Monday 8 April 2013
Hell is frozen.
Yes, hell has frozen over. Frozen. Fucking. Solid.
Why? I hear you ask .....
I did the folding ... All of it ..... AND it got put away .....
Do I need to repeat that?
I. Did. All. Folding.
Even Miss G looked at me strange as I sat there with baskets and piles of clothes. To shock you more I even sorted out her daycare/around the house clothes, they are now in a shelf unit in her robe, meaning she can now pick her own clothes and dress herself. Ive also discovered that her draws are the perfect habitat for the breeding of undies, she has no less than 3 dozen pairs ........ Wtf? Meanwhile I'm lucky to have half a dozen pairs without holes or pulled elastic, and I count the number of non-granny pants on one hand.
Yet, my awesome as fuck conquering of the folding isn't the only reason the hot pit of fire and evil is now a sparkly icey pole ....
Tomorrow, I am going out .... on. my. own.
No kids, no pram, no ex tagging along; I can use the actual ladies room rather than the parents room that stinks of dirty nappies and always has a line up because of course a parents room only needs one fucking toilet; I can get something to eat and not have to share, or fuck me I can eat it while its still hot! I'm going to browse, pick things up, I'm going to go into stores I usually steer clear of; I'm going to get a real fucking coffee, with vanilla and I'm going to drink that bitch while its still hot enough to burn a whole in my tongue, but that's ok because I won't need to be speaking and being ignored over and over by my darling child. I'm going to take 3 times as long to run my errands, fuck, I'm going to do things that aren't even on my list ..... because I can!!!!!!!
I get to go alone because Miss G has daycare and poor Miss O has the flu and bronchitis, as does the ex. He is looking after her rather than her go out among the common folk and pick up fuck knows what other bugs are circulating. That part of it sucks, seeing your kid sick, coughing constantly, watery eyes and downright fucking miserable, that sucks huge donkey testicles ..... Sweet fuck all I can do though.
Surprise!!!
Well fuck me!!! TWO surprises in one night!!!
1. I'm over 1000 views on this here blog! Awesome sauce bitches! Spread the word, I'm apparently funny and shit, share the love.
2. Something on Pinterest worked!
Since I have 2 kids and live in a shoe box, I've been thinking of ways to cut chemical use and stuff, I mean I fucking love the smell of bleach, but 2 kids high on bleach fumes? Maybe not. I consulted Pinterest and a mothers group (don't knock the mothers groups! Fucking awesome bunch of weirdos that know stuff, and things).
As a result, I just cleaned the shower, basin, bathroom mirror, washing machine and toilet with these 3 things -
Yup, I shit you not.
Equal parts vinegar and dishwashing liquid, in a spray bottle.
Spray shower, leave sit, wipe down with paper towel (I fucking love viva, I use it every day), rinse. Done.
Ditto basin, ditto toilet (with brush of course) and the washing machine I just sprayed the paper towel and wiped down, same with the mirror.
I'm going to use it with hot water to mop the floor too, now that I finally remembered to buy a fucking mop.
It worked so well, I'm embarrassed to admit how much soap scum had built up on the shower glass (hence no before/after pics), not its spotless! It's so clean it looks like, well, glass ...... Anyone with a kid will understand toothpaste is also a paint, it ends up every-fucking-where including the mirror, now it fucking sparkles!!!!! Why was I cleaning the washing machine? Well 1. Who the fuck doesn't clean their machine? And 2. my new one also has a glass section on top, it gets filthy in soap scum.
2 kids in mind again, I've been trying to cut the swearing ..... I love swearing, I don't know why but I do. What I don't love is hearing "fucking hell I can't get my shoe on" .... "Grrr sister you fucked my tower" .... "Fuck I kicked my toe" ..... "Shit I need a drink" .... From my 3.5 year old angelic daughter.
I'd make a swear jar but I'm too broke to fine myself, I have no one here to smack me upside the head for it and its become such a part of my every day ....
Is there a point to blogging this? Nope, it's just a lead in to being able to post this picture, and I will be using this reasoning next time I hear the fuck word from my daughters mouth!
1. I'm over 1000 views on this here blog! Awesome sauce bitches! Spread the word, I'm apparently funny and shit, share the love.
2. Something on Pinterest worked!
Since I have 2 kids and live in a shoe box, I've been thinking of ways to cut chemical use and stuff, I mean I fucking love the smell of bleach, but 2 kids high on bleach fumes? Maybe not. I consulted Pinterest and a mothers group (don't knock the mothers groups! Fucking awesome bunch of weirdos that know stuff, and things).
As a result, I just cleaned the shower, basin, bathroom mirror, washing machine and toilet with these 3 things -
And a spray bottle
Yup, I shit you not.
Equal parts vinegar and dishwashing liquid, in a spray bottle.
Spray shower, leave sit, wipe down with paper towel (I fucking love viva, I use it every day), rinse. Done.
Ditto basin, ditto toilet (with brush of course) and the washing machine I just sprayed the paper towel and wiped down, same with the mirror.
I'm going to use it with hot water to mop the floor too, now that I finally remembered to buy a fucking mop.
It worked so well, I'm embarrassed to admit how much soap scum had built up on the shower glass (hence no before/after pics), not its spotless! It's so clean it looks like, well, glass ...... Anyone with a kid will understand toothpaste is also a paint, it ends up every-fucking-where including the mirror, now it fucking sparkles!!!!! Why was I cleaning the washing machine? Well 1. Who the fuck doesn't clean their machine? And 2. my new one also has a glass section on top, it gets filthy in soap scum.
2 kids in mind again, I've been trying to cut the swearing ..... I love swearing, I don't know why but I do. What I don't love is hearing "fucking hell I can't get my shoe on" .... "Grrr sister you fucked my tower" .... "Fuck I kicked my toe" ..... "Shit I need a drink" .... From my 3.5 year old angelic daughter.
I'd make a swear jar but I'm too broke to fine myself, I have no one here to smack me upside the head for it and its become such a part of my every day ....
Is there a point to blogging this? Nope, it's just a lead in to being able to post this picture, and I will be using this reasoning next time I hear the fuck word from my daughters mouth!
Friday 5 April 2013
I want Expressi!!!!!
I don't want much, materialistic wise, but one thing I do want, fuck I could even say its a NEED for daily functioning and time saving, is an Aldi Expressi Machine (with the milk frother of course).
I also want a hair cut and a new mattress ......
I'm finally getting to return the numerous favours to my mate T, I'm watching her 2 eldest boys while she does uni stuffs. Technically the Xbox is watching them, and I'm blogging, facebooking, and reading random websites .... I'm also molesting the fuck out of her aforementioned coffee machine!! I don't have to wait for the kettle to boil, check the spoon isn't wet so I'm not leaving lumps in the coffee jar or coffee in the sugar (my pet hate!!), I have a selection of flavours strengths and types ..... I'm in love. This machine is going to need the newspaper and a cigar by the time I leave today. Fuck yes I'm abusing it!!!! Nom nom nom, and coffee strength 11 is like mother fucking rocket fuel, weeeeeeeee!!!!
There's also double chocolate chocolate chip cookies, DIY pizza for lunch and these kids don't need me to wipe their ass for them. Miss G is at daycare, and Miss O is having a daddy day. It's as close to a holiday as I'm going to get! I folded her basket of clean towels too, fucking miracle much?
Seriously I can't wait until the girls are at this age ...... Put on a movie and they actually sit and watch the damn thing all the way through!!!!
On the down side, I think I'll be awake for a while tonight, but means I'll get some shit done, I desperately need to pull my finger out and get some designs done and promotion crap for my business. I haven't mentioned business have I?! Well I'm not linking it, I'm a firm believer in keeping my personal life and professional life separate. Especially when I swear so fucking much here and reveal shit I don't want clients knowing!!!!
Rocket fuel Aldi Expressi coffee, woo-fucking-yeah!!!!
And just to prove I did it, I know you fuckers doubted me, bastards.
I also want a hair cut and a new mattress ......
I'm finally getting to return the numerous favours to my mate T, I'm watching her 2 eldest boys while she does uni stuffs. Technically the Xbox is watching them, and I'm blogging, facebooking, and reading random websites .... I'm also molesting the fuck out of her aforementioned coffee machine!! I don't have to wait for the kettle to boil, check the spoon isn't wet so I'm not leaving lumps in the coffee jar or coffee in the sugar (my pet hate!!), I have a selection of flavours strengths and types ..... I'm in love. This machine is going to need the newspaper and a cigar by the time I leave today. Fuck yes I'm abusing it!!!! Nom nom nom, and coffee strength 11 is like mother fucking rocket fuel, weeeeeeeee!!!!
There's also double chocolate chocolate chip cookies, DIY pizza for lunch and these kids don't need me to wipe their ass for them. Miss G is at daycare, and Miss O is having a daddy day. It's as close to a holiday as I'm going to get! I folded her basket of clean towels too, fucking miracle much?
Seriously I can't wait until the girls are at this age ...... Put on a movie and they actually sit and watch the damn thing all the way through!!!!
On the down side, I think I'll be awake for a while tonight, but means I'll get some shit done, I desperately need to pull my finger out and get some designs done and promotion crap for my business. I haven't mentioned business have I?! Well I'm not linking it, I'm a firm believer in keeping my personal life and professional life separate. Especially when I swear so fucking much here and reveal shit I don't want clients knowing!!!!
Rocket fuel Aldi Expressi coffee, woo-fucking-yeah!!!!
And just to prove I did it, I know you fuckers doubted me, bastards.
Thursday 4 April 2013
That's my girl
I am going to hate myself in 10 years time. 2 girls, with my family history of straight jacket (and for some, endless) PMS, combined with the already strong signs of stubbornness, manipulation and pride ..... I'm fucked.
What made me think this?
The girls were sitting together on the floor, playing, laughing, nice cute sister shit, when it is cut by a head splitting scream of pain by Miss O ...... I look over to see Miss G with a handful of her sisters hair. The evil little so-and-so just stared at me, still with a handful of hair, and showed no intention of letting go. Might not sound like much, but Miss O is lucky to even have a handful of fucking hair! (Unlike her sister who was sporting ponytails at this age). Being the old school parent I am, there was no "oh darling that's not nice, we don't do that to our friends" bullshit, there was a firm "let go right now and you do not pull hair" followed by me returning the favour. I was expecting reaction, but I think my first born is slightly twisted because the harder I pulled, she just stared at me .....wtf? Through very fucking gritted teeth, I calmly explained her wrong doings, took her leapPad and put it in the "bin" ...... THAT got her attention as quick as shit. "Sorry sister, I love you, I'll kiss it better" and other such soppy suck up shit came pouring from her mouth. It was rather sweet until she turned to me and demanded I give back the LeapPad because she said sorry. I said no, the resulting tantrum lasted 1 hour 12 mins ....... *sigh*
Fast forward to later in the day and I witness Miss O quickly, and very determinedly, reach over to her (now quiet watching tv) sister, and nearly rip her lip off her face ....... And smiling whilst doing so.
.JPG)
What made me think this?
The girls were sitting together on the floor, playing, laughing, nice cute sister shit, when it is cut by a head splitting scream of pain by Miss O ...... I look over to see Miss G with a handful of her sisters hair. The evil little so-and-so just stared at me, still with a handful of hair, and showed no intention of letting go. Might not sound like much, but Miss O is lucky to even have a handful of fucking hair! (Unlike her sister who was sporting ponytails at this age). Being the old school parent I am, there was no "oh darling that's not nice, we don't do that to our friends" bullshit, there was a firm "let go right now and you do not pull hair" followed by me returning the favour. I was expecting reaction, but I think my first born is slightly twisted because the harder I pulled, she just stared at me .....wtf? Through very fucking gritted teeth, I calmly explained her wrong doings, took her leapPad and put it in the "bin" ...... THAT got her attention as quick as shit. "Sorry sister, I love you, I'll kiss it better" and other such soppy suck up shit came pouring from her mouth. It was rather sweet until she turned to me and demanded I give back the LeapPad because she said sorry. I said no, the resulting tantrum lasted 1 hour 12 mins ....... *sigh*
Fast forward to later in the day and I witness Miss O quickly, and very determinedly, reach over to her (now quiet watching tv) sister, and nearly rip her lip off her face ....... And smiling whilst doing so.
I love my evil daughters.
Wednesday 3 April 2013
Folding plastic perseverance
I said something about folding ... I had this whole witty, entertaining blog planned, but after the events of last night and today you're fucking lucky I'm even typing shit at all.
.JPG)
To sum up, I suck ass at folding, and maths, but folding really bad sucking. The pile gets bigger and bigger; it gets to the point where I consider hiring a Sherpa to find a pair of undies, it's at that stage that I chuck a tantrum (yes very mature of me) and spend hours upon hours sorting, folding and putting away Mount Folding. I vow to never let it get that bad again, to fold off the line or from the dryer, to just fucking do it. On average I last 2 days then the pile begins ... "I'll just pop this here and do it tomorrow". NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS.
This, I'm afraid to say, is a SMALL amount waiting to be folded. 4 baskets, not including what is in the dryer and what is hanging outside. Oh and this lot has actually been sorted, a white basket each and the "didn't get that fucking far yet" blue basket.
I just went and got dinner on. Now I KNOW I'm not the only one with THAT cupboard in the kitchen, you know the one. You open it to find something, and there's yells along the lines of "I'm so fucking sick of all this plastic shit; where the fuck is the lid for this? ARGH fucker landed on my toe, shit fuck ouch; damn you to hell Tupperware" and you finish with your best ninja trick, trying to hold contents on the shelf while closing the door before the contents catches the chance to fall out all over the floor.
It strikes a strong resemblance to folding for me .... I get so pissed off that I spend hours sitting on the kitchen floor matching containers to lids, then vow to never let it happen again. At least that lasts more than 2 days, but not by much.
I've mentioned this place is tiny before, which means you can't let shit pile up too much (clean clothes are obviously the exception to that rule). I spent an hour or so yesterday afternoon sorting toys, and finished it today. Was very smart of me to attempt this with both kids home, and of course they chose to be demanding attention whores after I'd already spread crap from asshole to breakfast, moved furniture and created possibly the most hazard filled room for us all to inhibit at the same time.
Yet, I persevered, utilised bribery and got it DONE!
Yet, I persevered, utilised bribery and got it DONE!
And to think, I'd already spent time sorting before the before pics!
Kids are messing bastards. Adorable, but if you want a show room house, don't breed, or be rich so you can hire people to clean. If you're the latter, adopt me please.
Drink it or snort it?
I bet you're all wondering how the rest of my night went right?
Fucking. Horrible.
I'm starting my day with this ......
(I'm also too brain dead to work out why the fuck that's sideways and how to fix it. Look at you tilting your head, idiot)
I'd just got Miss O asleep when I hear a thump and scream .... Miss G had fallen out of bed. She comes in to my room, climbs on me (driving her knee into my bladder) and I end up with one on one arm and one on the other. Of course Miss O now starts whinging for a bottle, and I need to move Miss G to get out of bed. By the time I'd changed Miss O's butt, taken a piss (thanks to that knee), Miss G is awake and asking me for food. Kid, it's 2.45am, glass of milk is all you're getting. By now the hot water is back (1 shower = out of hot water, I told you small), I figure fuck it, they're happily chattering to each other, I'll get these dishes done and bottles washed and they can burn some more energy.
3.40am Miss O is full, asleep and in bed. Miss G is begging me to sing "doggy doggy where's your bone" ....
4am Miss G has passed out. I need to pee ....
*fell asleep some time in here*
5.26am Miss O is awake, I smell her nappy from the doorway. Butt change, rest of the earlier bottle, back to sleep.
*I think I passed out with my feet still on the floor*
8am Miss O singing ..... FUCKING HELL!!!!
I gave her a bottle, shoved her in her bouncer, put on ABC4kids and slept on the lounge for the next hour till she screamed at me for attention. Thank you Giggle and Hoot .... Jimmy Giggle you are not only fuckable, but you look after the kid while I sleep, that earns you special favours ;)
So, as I said, I've skipped the coffee for half a fucking litre of energy drink.
Fucking. Horrible.
I'm starting my day with this ......
I'd just got Miss O asleep when I hear a thump and scream .... Miss G had fallen out of bed. She comes in to my room, climbs on me (driving her knee into my bladder) and I end up with one on one arm and one on the other. Of course Miss O now starts whinging for a bottle, and I need to move Miss G to get out of bed. By the time I'd changed Miss O's butt, taken a piss (thanks to that knee), Miss G is awake and asking me for food. Kid, it's 2.45am, glass of milk is all you're getting. By now the hot water is back (1 shower = out of hot water, I told you small), I figure fuck it, they're happily chattering to each other, I'll get these dishes done and bottles washed and they can burn some more energy.
3.40am Miss O is full, asleep and in bed. Miss G is begging me to sing "doggy doggy where's your bone" ....
4am Miss G has passed out. I need to pee ....
*fell asleep some time in here*
5.26am Miss O is awake, I smell her nappy from the doorway. Butt change, rest of the earlier bottle, back to sleep.
*I think I passed out with my feet still on the floor*
8am Miss O singing ..... FUCKING HELL!!!!
I gave her a bottle, shoved her in her bouncer, put on ABC4kids and slept on the lounge for the next hour till she screamed at me for attention. Thank you Giggle and Hoot .... Jimmy Giggle you are not only fuckable, but you look after the kid while I sleep, that earns you special favours ;)
So, as I said, I've skipped the coffee for half a fucking litre of energy drink.
An assface continuation of previous blog
Or, I'll
take my meds, do a shit, empty the clothes dryer, strip down and climb in the
shower only to have my wet soapy silence interrupted by the screams of Miss O.
I was already covered in soap, there was no turning back, I had to finish
washing. Her screams increased causing me to be so distracted that before I
knew it, I was washing my face with the very same face washer I'd just washed
my ass with. It's now that I say with relief that I do not wash my face with my
mouth open.
I jump out
of the shower, mad rush dry and dress, and I swear to fucking chocolate, the
little bitch laughed at me as I ran into her room. If she could speak, she'd be
calling me assface.
In her defense I had a look at the ear she was trying to rip off her head ..... There
was so much wax layered over her ear hole that I could stick a wick in there
and have light till Christmas.
So now, I'm
laying in bed with Miss O, typing this on my phone one handed while she stares
at the bright screen ...... And sings to me.
Tuesday 2 April 2013
Sexual favours
Who do I have to sleep with to get approval for a decent rental? This place is just too fucking tiny, with feral neighbours and a grand total of 2 windows and 2 sliding doors. The one smoke detector is literally falling from the ceiling, the "front" door (sliding security screen) is either fallen off the track or stuck closed so tight that you break a mother fucking finger to open it, and, if you were to squish them in well enough, the hot water system is just big enough to hide a toddler in.
Butter chicken is delish, I ate it 3.5 hours ago and am re-tasting it each time I burp. If I'm lucky, I burp so hard that I need to chew before I can swallow again. Mmmmm bet your day is better with that knowledge!
Tonight I also ate half of Miss G's Humpty Dumpty Easter egg, I loved every bite ..... Yes, I'm going to hell. And yes, I'm praying that there's a Humpty Dumpty egg on the Easter clearance shelves tomorrow or I'm fucked, my kid will hate me. Maybe if I left her the smarties that were on the inside? Yeah no, she's gunna be pissed.
I didn't plan my accidental pregnancies too well either it seems. In the same year, Miss O will be 18, and Miss G will be 21. I'm going to be 46 and broke.
Tomorrow I will bring you my thoughts on folding, there may even be pictures. For now though I feel sick, my gut is a war zone between chocolate, butter chicken and whatever that taste was, mmmmm regurgitation ...... Shower and bed for this bitch.
Xo
FYI - I'm really struggling to think of blog titles, like clutching at fucking straws, soon I'll just be using a number or blantently plagiarising.
Butter chicken is delish, I ate it 3.5 hours ago and am re-tasting it each time I burp. If I'm lucky, I burp so hard that I need to chew before I can swallow again. Mmmmm bet your day is better with that knowledge!
Tonight I also ate half of Miss G's Humpty Dumpty Easter egg, I loved every bite ..... Yes, I'm going to hell. And yes, I'm praying that there's a Humpty Dumpty egg on the Easter clearance shelves tomorrow or I'm fucked, my kid will hate me. Maybe if I left her the smarties that were on the inside? Yeah no, she's gunna be pissed.
I didn't plan my accidental pregnancies too well either it seems. In the same year, Miss O will be 18, and Miss G will be 21. I'm going to be 46 and broke.
Tomorrow I will bring you my thoughts on folding, there may even be pictures. For now though I feel sick, my gut is a war zone between chocolate, butter chicken and whatever that taste was, mmmmm regurgitation ...... Shower and bed for this bitch.
Xo
FYI - I'm really struggling to think of blog titles, like clutching at fucking straws, soon I'll just be using a number or blantently plagiarising.
Monday 1 April 2013
Wine hates me & I want a dragon.
Weak much? 9 standard drinks over 5 hours, only just tipsy, yet I wake in the morning feeling like I'd drunk 3 bottles of tequila and been run over by a fucking parade of elephants in stilettos, twice .......
Is this a sign that I'm getting too old for wine binges? Is my liver 9 odd years late in punishing me for happy hour each Thursday at the USQ Uni Club? $14 jugs of spirits, hold the ice and no glass, just a straw thanks. Or maybe it's just saying I need to go back to the stronger stuff so I need less of it ..... Lets go with that.
I'm in a fucktonne of pain today, and now that the kids are in bed, I thought "you should totally take some drugs dude, then you can sit on your ass and watch Game of Thrones, booya" (the voice in my head is clearly a 14 year old boy stuck in the 80's). I accidentally put strawberry jam on my hot cross bun, turns out its not so bad. So here I sit eating Easter eggs, doped up on painkillers watching GoT and writing this boring blog! You know what would improve this? WINE ..... Bahahaha I'm joking, it's a bad idea to mix alcohol and dairy :P
My brain is dead right now, no fucking idea what to write.
I want a pet dragon, no 3 pet dragons, and castle.
Edit - apart from some impressive cleavage, that was a very disappointing season opener of GoT. Kinda like Dr Who last night ....... *shakes head* what's the world coming to if tv is starting to let me down??
My brain is dead right now, no fucking idea what to write.
I want a pet dragon, no 3 pet dragons, and castle.
Edit - apart from some impressive cleavage, that was a very disappointing season opener of GoT. Kinda like Dr Who last night ....... *shakes head* what's the world coming to if tv is starting to let me down??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)