Ready for a random string of utter shit? As mentioned in previous blog, I have wine, quite a bit of it. I tend to think total shit when drinking, usually it's just me and the voices in my head that get to enjoy it, tonight though friends, I am going to share. I am working and have this open in the background to come back to. I design best under the influence, I think it wakes those parts of my brain that don't run on autopilot, probably why I'm much better in bed after alcohol, rawr! I do not apologise for those mental images, not one bit.
I am THE BEST singer ...... when wearing noise cancelling headphones.
When drinking, one should automatically and pain freely, have a catheter inserted so no drinking time is wasted by going to the toilet. This is especially the case for mothers who have had their pelvic muscles destroyed by their bundles of joy.
I am very thankful for spell check, drunk or not. It even knows fuck, fucking, shit, piss, bitch, cnut, ass, fucktonne and mother fucker.
Miss G is asleep, the Easter Bunny really should lay out the eggs and shiznizt before she gets too drunk to do so without either eating them or crushing them.
I have spent the last HOUR grumbling at photoshop because I couldn't find the "right" font for a design .... only to discover I haven't installed all of my fonts since the reformat ..... fucking idiot.
Late night snack means I have chicken caught in my teeth. I need to pee too, wheres that fucking catheter?
I just ate nail polish thanks to picking said chicken out of my teeth.
I wish I had the money to dress like famous bigger women like Adele, Beth Ditto, that other chick who is really hot that my mate Tanya told me about once but for the drunkered life of me can't fucking remember. I'd also like their hair and make up crew ...... they'd need one big mother fucker of a truck.
I love going on to youtube to watch adds and they get interrupted by music :/
Of all the things to get from my father, I get the ability to drink my weight in alcohol and still be able to stand!! Fuck this, 3 bottles of wine SHOULD have a woman more than a little tipsy, especially when they are mixed with antidepressant meds. Maybe I should start hitting the local pubs and having drinking competitions, the ex will watch the kids surely? I'll fill my gut with bread and pasta, take a giant dump, put on my best push up bra so the ladies are standing to full attention, then go make some money on my ability to drown alcohol and walk home without the aid of a taxi, a walking stick, or a police car!!!! Fuck, I'm so onto something here!! ....... or not.
I hate hate hate hate the taste of toothpaste, like it makes me gag, but I also hate the post-drinking tooth fuzz, so it's one or the other .....
I need to pee ....
I thought so so many things these last few hours, but was thinking so much I forgot to fucking type them. *sigh* I fail .... this is why I need a plug into my brain that I can tell to record when I have my "OMFG I'M A FuCKING GENIUS" thoughts that I believe MUST be recorded. Seriously some of the things I "write" in my head at 3am are nothing short of brilliant ... but I make the mistake of thinking "nah I don't need to roll over and get this down, I'll remember it" ... NO YOU FUCKING WON'T YOU FIRST CLASS DICKHEAD!!!
Slugs have 4 noses and more teeth than a shark ....
Sunday 31 March 2013
Saturday 30 March 2013
ok ok ok sorry!
Fucking hell people, hound me much? Never thought people actually read this regularly, or liked it, turned out you deluded fuckers do!!!
So, here's a blog post. I'm sitting here with my new hot pink stereo headphones, a bottle of wine (who needs a glass?) and blasting tunes while I write this shit. The kids have their feral pants on, part due to routine not being followed and part delayed full moon syndrome (they are my kids, I expect them to be a little late on things, I'll be late to my own fucking funeral and probably forget underwear. Actually do they even bury people in underwear? Eh, I'm being cremated anyway, burn me bitches, burn me like I will burn in hell).
Anyway, not much going on here.
Brother in Law had a heart attack and was put in a coma, had a defibrillator put in his chest right next to his pace maker. The kid free weekend with wine was cancelled due to this happening though, it's ok, I might be a bitch but I do put family first. Besides, it means I have that IOU up my sleeve ;)
Miss G thought it would be fun to dive out of a shopping trolley and land head first (technically on her fucking temple) and get a concussion resulting in a trip in the ambulance to the Emergency Room. 2 days later (as in today) she fell ass over tit in the bathroom and smashed her head on the tiles .... yeah the exact same fucking place. We don't do things by halves, it's all or nothing!
I lost 2kgs, but I thank gastro for that, no dieting and hard work for me, gastrointestinal infections are my way.
(Miss G is currently standing beside me demanding some of my wine ... "I want a sip of your special juice" ...... yeah no kid, not going to happen ... *uses threat of no Easter Bunny if she doesn't leave me and my wine alone* .....)
Um, shit I don't even remember what crap I've been doing .... I can't even remember my last damn blog post. Can I still claim baby brain when she's 8 months now? Yeah fuck it I can, my memory is like diarrhoea, there's no holding it in.
Oh and Miss G is fine, looks like I've smashed her over the head with something, but fine.
So, here's a blog post. I'm sitting here with my new hot pink stereo headphones, a bottle of wine (who needs a glass?) and blasting tunes while I write this shit. The kids have their feral pants on, part due to routine not being followed and part delayed full moon syndrome (they are my kids, I expect them to be a little late on things, I'll be late to my own fucking funeral and probably forget underwear. Actually do they even bury people in underwear? Eh, I'm being cremated anyway, burn me bitches, burn me like I will burn in hell).
Anyway, not much going on here.
Brother in Law had a heart attack and was put in a coma, had a defibrillator put in his chest right next to his pace maker. The kid free weekend with wine was cancelled due to this happening though, it's ok, I might be a bitch but I do put family first. Besides, it means I have that IOU up my sleeve ;)
Miss G thought it would be fun to dive out of a shopping trolley and land head first (technically on her fucking temple) and get a concussion resulting in a trip in the ambulance to the Emergency Room. 2 days later (as in today) she fell ass over tit in the bathroom and smashed her head on the tiles .... yeah the exact same fucking place. We don't do things by halves, it's all or nothing!
I lost 2kgs, but I thank gastro for that, no dieting and hard work for me, gastrointestinal infections are my way.
(Miss G is currently standing beside me demanding some of my wine ... "I want a sip of your special juice" ...... yeah no kid, not going to happen ... *uses threat of no Easter Bunny if she doesn't leave me and my wine alone* .....)
Um, shit I don't even remember what crap I've been doing .... I can't even remember my last damn blog post. Can I still claim baby brain when she's 8 months now? Yeah fuck it I can, my memory is like diarrhoea, there's no holding it in.
Oh and Miss G is fine, looks like I've smashed her over the head with something, but fine.
Thursday 14 March 2013
Slack and Sorry!
I've been soooo fucking slack!! I TOLD you I'd probably lose interest or something!
Actually that wasn't quite the case ..... 1. I got sick of my own bitching and complaining , and 2. I packed the car and the girls and pissed off to my mums for a week! She lives semi rural and there's sweet FA 3G reception out there, and no such thing as ADSL. I got on facebook off and on, after much yelling, cursing and going all Lion King on the iPad.
Actually that wasn't quite the case ..... 1. I got sick of my own bitching and complaining , and 2. I packed the car and the girls and pissed off to my mums for a week! She lives semi rural and there's sweet FA 3G reception out there, and no such thing as ADSL. I got on facebook off and on, after much yelling, cursing and going all Lion King on the iPad.
^^ so. many. fucking. times.
Wasn't much of a break, turns out Miss O is NOT a fan of portacots, and Miss G is a fucking bed hog! The fam-bam did help out though, and took over when I was hit with a migraine. Plus I LOVED not having to cook, and mum made me pork, which we know is my favourite.
I got out with the camera a bit, Miss G rode a horse, had a snake at the back door (just a juvenile eastern brown, no biggy :/), went for a drive to see the flood damage .... blah blah, was a change of scenery and then I had to come back to fucking reality.
I got out with the camera a bit, Miss G rode a horse, had a snake at the back door (just a juvenile eastern brown, no biggy :/), went for a drive to see the flood damage .... blah blah, was a change of scenery and then I had to come back to fucking reality.
(FYI I soooo fucking give up getting those pics in some sort of decent layout, deal with it)
Today, 14th March, is also the birthday of possibly the most awesome woman on this planet (apart from myself of course). Why is she so awesome? Because she made me! Happy Birthday to my beautiful, irritating, strong, talented, frustrating and patient Mumma. We are like 2 dominant elephant seals, can't be confined to the same room for too long or we go feral and start bashing each other with our tusks and making scary guttural noises, but it's only because we're so much alike, I have to get my awesomeness from somewhere!!
That's all I really have tonight, tomorrow is Friday then it's the weekend and I'm dog sitting on my own, no kids, just me and most importantly, WINE!!! FUCK YES!!!
edit - if you click on the pictures, they get bigger! Well fuck me, admire my photography skills bitches, DO IT!
Tuesday 5 March 2013
Tiiiiiiired
I am so. motherfucking. brain dead. TIRED.
I'm pretty sure I just fell asleep taking a shit.
Miss G has suffered night terrors since about 7-8 months, and still does now. Looks like I'm one fucking lucky mum as Miss O has started the last few nights. Add that my insomnia has decided to flare up, well, fuck sleep it seems.
It's 11pm and all I want to do it crawl into bed. Yet I've been sitting on the lounge for over an hour, I feel physically numb, I could shove a cactus up my ass and wouldn't feel it I'm that tired numb. That would also be the closest to sex I've been in a while but that's something your poor imaginations do not need to think of.
And, I need to reorganise this, but it's about as appealing as shoving that cactus where the sun don't shine.
I'm pretty sure I just fell asleep taking a shit.
Miss G has suffered night terrors since about 7-8 months, and still does now. Looks like I'm one fucking lucky mum as Miss O has started the last few nights. Add that my insomnia has decided to flare up, well, fuck sleep it seems.
It's 11pm and all I want to do it crawl into bed. Yet I've been sitting on the lounge for over an hour, I feel physically numb, I could shove a cactus up my ass and wouldn't feel it I'm that tired numb. That would also be the closest to sex I've been in a while but that's something your poor imaginations do not need to think of.
And, I need to reorganise this, but it's about as appealing as shoving that cactus where the sun don't shine.
Sunday 3 March 2013
Spock awesomeness
Well, that experience makes me certain of one thing, I will never ever be a children's photographer!!!! Babies maybe, Miss O just sits there and looks adorable, but I was ready to strangle Miss G after 2 mins. Seriously she knows exactly how to piss me the fuck off. She's lucky I love her so much because she fucking sucks at listening. Then again she is 3.5 years old, comes with the territory.
Anyway, went to The Handmade Expo Markets today, some stalls made me roll my eyes, others were rip offs, but most were pretty good. My find of the day were these. Can we say totally. fucking. awesome!?!?!?!!!!
My day is motherfucking made!!!!!
Anyway, went to The Handmade Expo Markets today, some stalls made me roll my eyes, others were rip offs, but most were pretty good. My find of the day were these. Can we say totally. fucking. awesome!?!?!?!!!!
SPOCK EARRINGS!!!!!
My day is motherfucking made!!!!!
Mmmmm wine.
This mummy has had wine, and half a beer, and completely forgot she'd taken some good painkillers before opening the first bottle. Shit, crap, weeeeee, oops.
Just to clear up one point - no I don't drink all the time. I fucking wish I could, but my liver argues and so does my entire fucking body at 6am the next morning when the baby wakes for a feed and the room is still spinning when I stand. It is an every now and then thing, done when I need a wind down. Tonight the ex (I shall call him Mr M from now on), Mr M is here tonight, he is looking after the girls while I'm off to an expo (not sexpo unfortunately) with a girlfriend in the morning. I need out of the house people! I'm pretty sure my skin has taken on the same yellow glow as the mother fucking walls.
I may or may not be swigging said wine from the bottle. Eh fuck it, I never claimed to have class!!!!!
Hahahah me classy? Yeah no, not even close. Ok I'll draw the line with some things, but all and all I'm pretty fucking vulgar. I said the word "twat" at my own daughters second birthday party, about my then under age sister. I'm the child my own mother worries about in social situations, or any situation for that matter. Sorry mum.
(I bet family members are reading this right now and smiling and nodding. Haha fuck you blood loves, fuck you kindly).
You know what's making this all the more fucking awesome? BOTH girls are fast asleep and haven't stirred. *touch wood* .... Probably jinxed it now.
Eh, I need to pee.
Just to clear up one point - no I don't drink all the time. I fucking wish I could, but my liver argues and so does my entire fucking body at 6am the next morning when the baby wakes for a feed and the room is still spinning when I stand. It is an every now and then thing, done when I need a wind down. Tonight the ex (I shall call him Mr M from now on), Mr M is here tonight, he is looking after the girls while I'm off to an expo (not sexpo unfortunately) with a girlfriend in the morning. I need out of the house people! I'm pretty sure my skin has taken on the same yellow glow as the mother fucking walls.
Yup it has!!
I may or may not be swigging said wine from the bottle. Eh fuck it, I never claimed to have class!!!!!
Hahahah me classy? Yeah no, not even close. Ok I'll draw the line with some things, but all and all I'm pretty fucking vulgar. I said the word "twat" at my own daughters second birthday party, about my then under age sister. I'm the child my own mother worries about in social situations, or any situation for that matter. Sorry mum.
(I bet family members are reading this right now and smiling and nodding. Haha fuck you blood loves, fuck you kindly).
You know what's making this all the more fucking awesome? BOTH girls are fast asleep and haven't stirred. *touch wood* .... Probably jinxed it now.
Eh, I need to pee.
Friday 1 March 2013
Random stuff and things.
Fucking fuck fuck argh, bugger shitballs, ass licking asshat.
That's what I'm calling my week, it's the nicest way I could put it. I could elaborate but honestly I'm too exhausted to bother. So, I'm going to do what I do best, pretend I'm fine and get on with it.
I've been looking for a dictation app but all the ones I've tried obviously don't speak Bree. I could record it and listen back and type but that would require listening to my own voice, um ew, no thanks. Then again my best thoughts come to me while I'm laying in bed trying to sleep, it would be so much easier to speak it rather than type it. Ever turned on your phone/iPad in the pitch dark? Fucking blinding!!!!! Oh and my computer has shit itself, fucker.
So I've said before that I'm a bigger woman. My ass needs its own post code. But the other night I was leaning up against the bench looking at some papers when Miss G suddenly hugged me from behind and planted a kiss on my large rear.
"Kiss for your big bum mum" .... "Uh thanks sweets" ... "You beautiful, tell me I'm beautiful to me" ..... "Yes honey you are beautiful" and off she runs to play.
It makes me sad that it won't be long until her innocent mind is tainted by social media and what they consider "beautiful". I'm beautiful to her because I'm her mum, nothing more, nothing less. How can I argue with her? I fucking love her guts, even though she is stubborn, doesn't do what she's told, is always waking her sister and fights bed time like you wouldn't believe.
Miss O does this thing where she grabs my face and makes me kiss her over and over on her cheek. I stop, she pulls me back. She's now learning to kiss back, put your cheek to her and you're covered in slobber. She's also starting to show her little personality, she will bitch and growl at her big sister when she's had enough, she prefers banana custard to chocolate (if I hadn't pushed her out of my vagina I'd begin to doubt she's my child. How can she not fucking like chocolate?? Chocolate is life!!!!), loves vegemite and water melon, on the rare moments she watches tv she loves the Simpsons and family guy hahaha. I'm loving it, I just wish those evil fucking teeth would cut, so so fucking sick of motherfucking teething. Can you tell?
Eh that's it for me now, I need to sleep, apparently you need it to function.
That's what I'm calling my week, it's the nicest way I could put it. I could elaborate but honestly I'm too exhausted to bother. So, I'm going to do what I do best, pretend I'm fine and get on with it.
I've been looking for a dictation app but all the ones I've tried obviously don't speak Bree. I could record it and listen back and type but that would require listening to my own voice, um ew, no thanks. Then again my best thoughts come to me while I'm laying in bed trying to sleep, it would be so much easier to speak it rather than type it. Ever turned on your phone/iPad in the pitch dark? Fucking blinding!!!!! Oh and my computer has shit itself, fucker.
So I've said before that I'm a bigger woman. My ass needs its own post code. But the other night I was leaning up against the bench looking at some papers when Miss G suddenly hugged me from behind and planted a kiss on my large rear.
"Kiss for your big bum mum" .... "Uh thanks sweets" ... "You beautiful, tell me I'm beautiful to me" ..... "Yes honey you are beautiful" and off she runs to play.
It makes me sad that it won't be long until her innocent mind is tainted by social media and what they consider "beautiful". I'm beautiful to her because I'm her mum, nothing more, nothing less. How can I argue with her? I fucking love her guts, even though she is stubborn, doesn't do what she's told, is always waking her sister and fights bed time like you wouldn't believe.
Miss O does this thing where she grabs my face and makes me kiss her over and over on her cheek. I stop, she pulls me back. She's now learning to kiss back, put your cheek to her and you're covered in slobber. She's also starting to show her little personality, she will bitch and growl at her big sister when she's had enough, she prefers banana custard to chocolate (if I hadn't pushed her out of my vagina I'd begin to doubt she's my child. How can she not fucking like chocolate?? Chocolate is life!!!!), loves vegemite and water melon, on the rare moments she watches tv she loves the Simpsons and family guy hahaha. I'm loving it, I just wish those evil fucking teeth would cut, so so fucking sick of motherfucking teething. Can you tell?
Eh that's it for me now, I need to sleep, apparently you need it to function.
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